My college
friend Liz is just starting treatment for breast cancer and linked me to her
blog, which made me realize that I haven’t shared what I’ve been thinking for a
long time. I’m almost 6 months into
remission and have been seeking answers to a lot of questions. It started because I had a lot of time to
myself; being sick can be isolating in many ways. Plus, I had looked death in the face. That'll make you think! I was hearing many
cancer stories. People were being
healed, and people were dying. I was
listening to friends talk about the meaning of life who had renounced Christianity, some who were always atheists or agnostics, and some who were struggling to reconcile their evangelical upbringings with
post-modern thought. So I deconstructed
everything. (Probably right after my last post... just after I was labeled "cancer free" and feeling confused about why some people get cancer, and why some people in general have shorter or more difficult lives than others.) I stopped going to church. I watched documentaries
about people all over the world. I read book after book after book. I listened to podcasts. I started over and went on a journey to figure out what I
really believed now.
There were
periods where I would have struggled to tell you one piece of information that
I believe to be TRUE. Only recently have
I started to gain some footing again. I
feel extremely humbled.
“My
experience today is tied innately to 370 trillion bacteria living with 37
trillion human cells controlled by 3 pounds of grey matter with 86 billion
neurons which experience space time as a linear progression of moments. It’s a remarkably local and illusionary
perspective.” (from the podcast AskScienceMike)
((Check it out!)) If that doesn’t
blow your mind… I don’t even know.
You can learn a lot on an individual pursuit
of knowledge. Yet, there are some things
you cannot learn without the perspective of others. There are also things that you can just NEVER
KNOW- but let’s try to process a little at a time.
During my
post-cancer time I have focused on what I want to become. Who do I want to be now? What will I pursue with my life? What is really important? Kirekegard & Keller helped me to reflect
on a few perspectives. If you center
your life on:
2) Your children, you will try to live your life
through them until they resent you or have no self of their own.
3) Your work and career, you will be a driven
workaholic and a shallow person. If your
career goes poorly, you may develop deep depression.
4) “A noble cause,” you will divide the world into
“good” and “bad” and demonize your opponents.
5) Religion and morality, you will, if you are
living up to your moral standards, be proud, self-righteous, and even
cruel. If you don’t live up to your
moral standards, your guilt will be utterly devastating.
So then, what? Lately, I’ve felt like my identity was
that I was a cancer survivor. It’s hard
to leave it behind because conversations move towards my experience constantly,
and it truly has changed me as a human.
I am not the same. Nor will I be.
This is where God
confronted me. Mind you, I had decided that if God was real, he might have just set this whole thing into motion somehow, but probably didn't interact in our lives- because... childhood cancer and genocide... science... fallibility of the bible... etc. I was tired of hearing people say, "God did this" or that. How do you know? I told myself: that's just what Christians say no matter what happens. I wasn’t certain that I believed that the resurrection really happened.
Through lots of research, now I cannot come up with a historically feasible alternate explanation for the birth of the first century Christian church other than a real miracle happened (that was totally unfathomable to them too) and (at least) hundreds of people witnessed it and were willing to account for it in public document (often leading to their death). That's just one sentence that doesn't even do the facts justice. We commonly oversimplify things, but thankfully there are scholars. Thank you N.T. Wright, you intelligent man, for helping me understand context. It turns out that a lot of logical people have thoughts on all of the above issues and I'm not the first to think them. Ha! If you’re curious about my other skeptical thoughts, we should chat... because I've questioned/learned way too much to explain here and I still continue to seek. (Some of my friends are like, what?, you've been a Christian for a while. You may have missed out on my atheist period, but it was legitimate. And good.)
Through lots of research, now I cannot come up with a historically feasible alternate explanation for the birth of the first century Christian church other than a real miracle happened (that was totally unfathomable to them too) and (at least) hundreds of people witnessed it and were willing to account for it in public document (often leading to their death). That's just one sentence that doesn't even do the facts justice. We commonly oversimplify things, but thankfully there are scholars. Thank you N.T. Wright, you intelligent man, for helping me understand context. It turns out that a lot of logical people have thoughts on all of the above issues and I'm not the first to think them. Ha! If you’re curious about my other skeptical thoughts, we should chat... because I've questioned/learned way too much to explain here and I still continue to seek. (Some of my friends are like, what?, you've been a Christian for a while. You may have missed out on my atheist period, but it was legitimate. And good.)
I now believe that I can only live
a free, joyful, meaningful life when my identity is based on the fact that God loves all people regardless of anything. Anything we do! Let's just soak that up before we go drowning in the deep end of theology that we can never really be sure of while on earth and definitely don't need to be fighting over. People all over the world- in Indonesia, China, Africa, and Europe- are experiencing Christ work in their lives in ways I hadn't previously heard about. Grace is real. Keller talks about God's grace like this: “I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less. I don’t need to notice myself- how I’m doing,
how I’m being regarded- so often.”
Society tells me it’s all about me, but I need to think of myself less. Simply put: I want to just do life with people, without fear, and be loving towards others.
I don't have life figured out. I don't even know that much, but I know now in my mind
and in my heart that God loves you. No
strings attached. No matter what. Some need to be
reminded of that, and some may need to go on a journey to consider what/who God
even might be (because it’s very much worth considering). I'm convinced we should all seek knowledge, be more humble, listen, and talk with folks. I'm open to hearing anyone's thoughts. But wherever you are, God loves you.
